2009 Mercedes-Benz SL63 AMG test drive

The Mercedes-Benz SL is more than a car -- it's an exclusive two-seat club that caters to folks who have wealth and aren't afraid to flaunt it. The SL has been updated for 2009 with revised styling and a new high-performance AMG model, the 518 horsepower SL63 AMG. So how does the SL63 look from down here in the lower tax brackets? Read on. $132,875 base, $153,745 as tested, EPA fuel economy estimates 12 MPG city, 19 MPG highway.

First Glance: Livin' large
I've never really understood the Mercedes-Benz SL roadster, particularly the megabuck AMG version. As far as I was concerned, the SL was little more than a display case for your trophy wife, or a way for drug dealers and Internet millionaires to give us working stiffs the finger without having to lift, er, a finger.

And then I drove the SL63 AMG.

And now I am wondering how one finds an entry-level position as a drug dealer or an Internet millionaire. (I tried Craigslist. No dice.)

I like to start my reviews by defining the car in question. So what is the SL63? Well, it's stupid. But I mean that in a good way, as in stupid powerful (518 horsepower), stupid fast (0-60 in 4.4 seconds), and stupid expensive ($133k, but only if you're willing to slum it and forgo things like massaging climate-controlled seats).

The SL has undergone a host of changes for 2009, including updated styling and a revised interior. But what I cared most about was the SL63's engine: The AMG-designed 6.2 liter V8 that Mercedes has been dropping into pretty much any and every car they can. (Rumor has it that if you want your Honda Fit to keep getting 36 MPG, you shouldn't park it too close to the AMG factory.) There are a few different versions of this engine, and the SL63 gets the biggie: 518 horsepower, 465 lb-ft of torque, and an exhaust system loud enough to be heard on Neptune. Mercedes makes a more powerful SL -- the $191,575 SL65 AMG, with a 604 hp twin-turbo V12 -- but it doesn't have the bad-boy attitude of the SL63.

In the Driver's Seat: Dream seats
Inside, the 2009 SL gets a new steering wheel, revised climate and stereo controls, and gauges that point straight down when the ignition is off. (What would Freud say about that?) All SLs get a retractable hardtop roof (because Internet millionaires don't do soft tops); an extra $1,950 gets you a glass sunroof for those days when you want to see the wind but not feel it in your hair. The convertible top is controlled by a big metal switch, which on hot days heats up to about six hundred degrees Fahrenheit. There's no auto-down; you have to hold the switch until the smell of burning flesh tells you the top is done. And raising the top doesn't raise the windows -- you have to tug the window switches once to raise the front windows, again for the rears. Why is this such a chore? Maybe Internet millionaires can afford to hire people to manipulate their tops -- er, their convertible tops -- for them. (I wonder if they have to supply their own asbestos gloves.)

Standard equipment on the SL63 includes power adjustment for nearly everything that moves, a voice-activated navigation system, and a little cartoon devil that sits on your shoulder and tells you to drive faster. My car had optional climate-controlled seats with the Airscarf system, which blows heated air on the back of your neck on those cold, topless nights. The seats even have a massage function. I don't want to get too crude here, but if everyone had a car that rubbed their back while gently blowing warm air on their neck, I bet marital infidelity would be much less of a problem.

On the Road: Noisegasm
The SL63 has a unique automatic transmission with an automated clutch in place of the traditional torque converter. It has a special launch mode that allows you to build up the engine revs before the computer dumps the clutch and launches the car like a rocket on amphetamines. Of course, by the time you figure out the sequence of buttons, dials and prayers that engages launch mode, the car will have run out of gas.

But speed is only part of what makes the SL63 so thrilling. There's the sound -- a raucous, popping, alienate-the-neighbors bellow from the exhaust, and that's just at idle. At full throttle it's a full-on drunken howl that sounds like Satan's own Harley-Davidson. Between that and the wind noise, an SL63 isn't the best place to hold a conversation. But with a car like this you can probably attract the sort of passenger who doesn't need to do a whole lot of talking, if you know what I mean.

And then there are the brakes. If you ever find a bullet lodged in the front of your skull, get an SL63, run it up to 70 MPH, and slam on the brakes. That'll get it out. I daresay that maximum deceleration is almost as fun as maximum acceleration.

Handling? To be honest, I was a bit hesitant to really push the SL63 on the Top Secret Curvy Test Road. Driving a $150,000 car that belongs to somebody else is a little intimidating, even when you do it for a living. But yeah, it, um, handles great. The ride is a bit firm; I couldn't feel much difference between the suspension's Sport and Comfort modes, but maybe that's because I was too busy giving the finger to the middle class.

Journey's End: If I could, I probably would
For the record, let me say that the SL63 goes against everything I like in a car. It's huge, yet it only seats two people. It's way too expensive. It annoys your neighbors. It uses half a gallon of gas if you so much as brush your hand against the fender. If you look up "hedonistic" in the dictionary, you won't find a picture of the SL63 AMG, because it's the type of car that would wait until the dictionaries were on the store shelves and then say "Whoops! We forgot the picture! Guess we have to clear-cut a few more rain forests so we can make more paper to print more dictionaries! Anyone got a chainsaw I can use? Preferably one made by four-year-old children in a Malaysian sweatshop?"

And yet I loved the SL63. Loved it. Loved it in a deeply unhealthy, screw-the-planet, vote Republican, question-the-inner-fabric-of-your-being sort of way.

But it's not all motoring bliss. There are a couple of kinks, like the aforementioned hot-handed top mechanism, a cupholder designed for maximum in-the-wayness, and the computerized clutch's herky-jerky motion in stop-and-go traffic. Two problems you won't have in, say, a $23,000 Mazda Miata. But hey, the ultra-wealthy have to have something to complain about, right?

Bottom line: If I were a rich man, and if motoring were truly free of consequences, I'd buy an SL63 AMG.

Of course, I'm gonna need a new dot-com bubble to make that happen. -- Aaron Gold

What I liked about the Mercedes-Benz SL63 AMG:

• Huge power
• Huge fun
• Attracts the sort of mate your mother warned you about
  

What I didn't like:

• Astronomical price
• It's the ultimate in conspicuous consumption
  

Who should buy the Mercedes-Benz SL63 AMG:
Drug dealers, dot-com millionaires, and me

Who should not buy the Mercedes-Benz SL63 AMG:
Those who make less than a gajillion dollars a year

Details and specs:

• Body style: 2-door retractable-hardtop convertible
• Seating capacity: 2
• Trim levels: (one)
• Price range (including destination and options): $132,875 - $153,745
• Test vehicle/price as tested: SL63 AMG, $153,745
• Base engine: 6.2 liter V8, 518 hp @ 6,800 RPM, 465 lb-ft @ 5,200 RPM
• Optional engine: None
• Premium fuel required? Yes
• Transmission: 7-speed automatic
• Driveline: Front engine, rear-wheel-drive
• EPA fuel economy estimates: 12 MPG city, 19 MPG highway
• Where built: Germany
• Standard safety equipment: Front airbags, seat-mounted side airbags, antilock brakes, electronic stability control
• Optional safety equipment: None
• Major standard features: Dual-zone climate control, 6-disc CD changer, navigation system, leather seats
• Major options: Sport-appearance package, sport-tuned air suspension, climate-controlled seats, keyless ignition, adaptive cruise control, front/rear parking assist
• Warranty: 4 years/50,000 miles bumper-to-bumper, 4 years/48,000 miles outer-body rust-through
• Roadside assistance/free maintenance: Lifetime roadside assistance

Best rivals:

• BMW M6
• Chevrolet Corvette
  

The vehicle featured in this review was provided by Mercedes-Benz.